A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood.
The nurse asks, ‘What’s your blood type?’
The rabbit replied, ‘I’m probably a Type O.’
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He of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?
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If it was Hermes you could stay in for 1000 years and they’d still c*ck it up 
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Currently awaiting a Hermes parcel due for delivery last Wednesday. Update on Thursday said weather was affecting delivery and there has been no update message since. Goodness knows how they cope in more northern climes.
Anyway, I thought they had wings?
G
Nah! That’s Red Bull.
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I’ve never had a problem with Hermes. Perhaps because we are rural, here?
British Gas
That’s the joke.
Back in January booked someone for power flush on the rads. Soonest they could come was Friday morning last week, between 8 and 1.
Cleared my morning, changed everyone’s routine cos Sod’s law he would arrive bang on 8.
Get a call and voicemail message at 11:30.
The monotone voice drones on for one minute, without drawing breath, in short telling me the engineer can’t make it today and looking at his diary the soonest he can ‘return’ is 1st April, please call to re-book your appointment.
Well they can just f…
can we get back on topic 
I’d have told them they need not send an engineer; a technician would suffice. BG would never get the invoice right anyway.
Back on topic as instructed by Holmes, this stolen from the Kabin:
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Apologies!
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Last night we saw my mother in law getting beaten up by half a dozen blokes.
My wife turned to me and said ‘Aren’t you going to help?!’
I said, ‘Nah, six should be enough’
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British Gas the absolute pits. Our friend, 80 year old female living alone, boiler failed two years ago middle of freezing winter. She has a boiler contract with them, she couldn’t even get to speak to anyone to ask for assistance let alone get it fixed and they already had her money…! I went over, it was not a major problem and managed to get it going for her.
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Good man, Ted.
I remember our elderly neighbour (long since gone, bless her) telling me a local handyman wanted to charge her £15 to change a bayonet light bulb. I told her to tell him to f-off, and did it in seconds.
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Got the wife roses for Valentine’s Day. I searched for advice as to which the most romantic gesture was - a single rose, 6, or a dozen, - but couldn’t find a defining answer so in the end I just gave her the whole tin…
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