This may not reflect anyone’s religious beliefs, not is it intended to subvert them …
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When I’m underground, in the mine that I own, digging for coal, I’m always reminded of “Tubular Bells”.
Why?
My coalfield.
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A Geordie monk?
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Way aye!
Almurst, pet…Durham.
I heard what sounded like boastful, slangy comments about big screen TVs, drugs, cars and women coming from my Christmas decoration box at the back of the wardrobe this morning.
Turns out it was just the rapping paper.
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You’ve been reading Terry Pratchett again.
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I’ve made a film about constipation but it hasn’t come out yet, but I am pushing for release.
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If you have any problems you could try working it out on the back of an envelope .
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The first rule of passive aggressive fight club is…
Actually don’t worry about it, it’s fine…
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Decided to sell the hoover…
It was just collecting dust.
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When I was in the army the sgt major shouted at me…
‘Smith what does surrender mean’
I replied, ‘I give up sir’
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This reminds me of the classic Sgt Major comment to new recruits, when he walks up behind one of them and says:
‘Lad, am I hurting you? I should be, because I’m standing on your hair - get it cut’.
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And that reminds me: The officer says “Sergeant Major, we just heard that private Smith’s mother died unexpectedly. Please break the news to him gently.”
Sergeant Major: “Yes Sir!”
“OK you ‘orrible lot. All of those who still have a living mother, take one step forwards. Forward, One Step! Smith, where do you think you are going?!”
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My Dad’s guidance was never volunteer for anything, as it may not be what you expect!
Sgt Major - ‘any musicians here?’
‘Good, then you two, get that piano shifted’
I think there’s a sketch by Spike Milligan where he points to a Sgt Major’s head and exclaims ‘beep,…, beep,…’
And then points to the stripes and exclaims ‘BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP’.
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