Dear Sainsburys,
I am very disappointed with the rocket I purchased from your vegetable aisle. It went off before I could eat it.
Yours sincerely
Mrs Trellis
North Wales
Courtesy of Jack Dee on R4
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My favourite ‘Samantha’ of all time.
Samantha has to nip out now with her new gentleman friend. Apparently, they’ve been working on the restoration of an old chest of drawers. Samantha is in charge of polishing, while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her.
Still miss Humph.
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Yes, so do I. I was reading that the Jokes had to be clean when written on the page. It is only in the mind of the listener that they become risque.
“Samantha has recently taken up beekeeping with a small hive, housing just three dozen or so. This evening she has an expert beekeeper coming round to show her a few tricks of the trade, and he says he’ll quickly have her 38 bees out and flying round his head.”
“Samantha is off to see a chef gentleman friend who is renowned for his fine-quality offal dishes. While she’s very keen on his kidneys in red wine and his oxtail in beer, Samantha says it’s difficult to beat his famous tongue in cider.”
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Ooooh Matron! Just proves I have a smutty mind …
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The Cornish Three Kick Rule
An English lawyer went duck hunting near Truro. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you’ll believe only half of what you hear.
When you’re intelligent, you know which half.
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Priceless!!
I’m confused.
Not sure venn I’ll get it 
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Don’t make love on a stretcher……you might get carried away.
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I’m also confused - did that intersect with the previous post?
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If you’re in a bookstore and can not find the book you were looking for, then you must have been in the…
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An example of why subjective listening tests are… subjective 
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I hear ’ ‘stappen in tyre wall’ 
I hear alcohol (or at least the effect thereof!).
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I asked my neighbour why do you have so many cars on your drive. He said I have car owner virus.
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What are they actually saying?
I’ve listened to it about 40 times but i’m still not sure…