Well my Nat King Cole sat nav puts me on the street where you live.
I just happen to be with my two mates Big Vern & Razor Eddie.
We’ll be around soon to talk to you all about all these terrible sat nav jokes!!
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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;…
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
“I am a dominator!!”
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!!”
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
John Summers, apparently, but well worthy of Pam. I do like her poems.
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As it happens I used to work for the same company as her nephew…
It’s a small world…
but I wouldn’t want to paint it!
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The Kellogg’s Tali-Bran cereal has been removed from the best joke shelves because it was found to contain nuts and too much roughage.
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That joke was certainly lacking the moral fibre that is expected from members on these forums @Debs !
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They were sold out in Aldi this morning the manager said they have had a bit of a run on them
A man is shipwrecked on a desert island with only a donkey for company.
After a month or two he begins to feel ‘amorously’ frustrated.
After a couple more months he starts to eye the donkey as a potential partner.
Disgusted with himself for these thoughts, he puts them to one side but, after several more months, frustration gets the better of him so he creeps up behind the donkey with a view to taking advantage of it.
The donkey is not stupid however & at the appropriate time kicks out a rear leg & catches the man hard where it hurts. This puts the man off until the amorous feelings return again a month or two later.
So he has another go & the donkey kicks him even harder this time. After a third attempt ends in the same agonising manor a further two months on, the man is finally forced to accept a very painful defeat & settle for a life of enforced celibacy.
One morning soon after, following a violent storm the night before, he sees a body lying face down in the water & wades in to investigate. He brings the body to shore, finding it to be the almost lifeless body of the most beautiful young women he has ever seen.
Over the next week he nurses her day & night back to full health. She is so grateful to him for this she says “You have saved my life. To show my thanks I will do anything you want”.
“Anything?” he says.
“Absolutely anything” she replies.
“In that case” he continues, “could you hold that donkey’s back leg still for me?”
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Dad jokes takes a new low.
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Congratulations, you have finally reached the bottom of the pile in the Best Jokes thread.
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Ah decorum at last 
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Why do squirrels always look like it’s their first day being a squirrel?
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Under Capitalism, man exploits man.
Under Communism, it’s exactly the opposite.
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GREAT PIECES OF WISDOM…
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
I thought growing old would take longer.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “close enough.”
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I’m a multi-tasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!
Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.
When you can’t find the sunshine . . . be the sunshine.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.
My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!
Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You are one of them.
One minute you’re young and fun. The next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.
I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.
Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.
My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling.
Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.
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My new flat mate said he has seen lots of strange things happening in the flat lately, he’s convinced it’s haunted. I’ve lived here 186 years and I’ve never seen anything odd.
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