Best jokes


#65

Did you pay them time and a turd for the work done ?


#66

Paddy and Mick walk into a bar, they go to the bar and Mick orders a drink. Suddenly everyones looking at Paddy and start sniggering, sniggers turn into laughs and Paddy turns to Mick and asks him why everyone is laughing at him.

Well you can’t blame them when you were shagging your wife on the lounge table with the curtains open. Paddy thinks about it and replies, the laughs on them Mick, I wasn’t at home last night!


#67

No I paid them cash in hand, dey split it tree ways, a turd each.


#68

I’ve just managed to burn 2000 calories in 30 minutes.

Blooming pizzas well and truly ruined.:roll_eyes:


#69

I’m not in the slightest bit offended but I really can’t quite believe the stereotyped Paddy jokes! Seriously? It’s 2019 guys not 1972


#70

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK

AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’ have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.


#71

WHY did the Kangaroo stop drinking coffee?

She got too jumpy.


#72

Women mature much quicker than men.
I didn’t have breasts until I was 40.


#73

The old ones are the best … boom boom … :joy:


#74

Agent Orange was so named to prevent it being mentioned in war poetry.


#75

Doesn’t make sense - it could be mentioned, just not at the end of a line. :slight_smile:


#76

@Hollow :slight_smile:

Paddy went to see about a job on a building site; after impressing the foreman with his knowledge of bricklaying, cement & wheelbarrows he faced his final question, the clincher. “Tell me Paddy” says the foreman, “what’s the difference between joist & girder?” Paddy thinks for a moment then replies: “Ah could it be sor, dat Joyce wrote Ulysees and Goethe wrote Faust?”


#77

My grandfather was a chain-saw juggler. Well, it was just the one time.


#78

Sometimes I feel totally useless, that nothing I do in this life matters in the slightest - everything I do is completely pointless.

Then I remember the man who fits indicators to BMW’s…:wink:


#79

There’s no wit in ignorance dude


#80

Nope, lost me there. No set up, no punchline, no unexpected diverted sympathy.


#81

Why did the frog catch a bus to work?

His car had been toad away.


#82

A man writes to an agony aunt in a magazine.

Dear Deidre, I am writing to you because you are my last hope.
I haven’t eaten or slept for days with worry and I am beginning to go into a spiral of despair.
I am now thinking that life is no longer worth living Please, Please can you help me.

A couple of weeks ago, my best friend informed me that my wife was having an affair with a mechanic at Brands Hatch race track.
Having just bought a brand new Ferrari, my friend suggested that if I took my car to Brands Hatch, I could witness my wife with this mechanic first hand.

That day we drove to the race track and we parked up, waiting to see my wife with this man.

My friend told me to crouch down and hide behind my Farrari and he would let me know when the pair of them were about to walk past.

It was while crouching down behind my Ferrari that I noticed a fluid leak coming from behind the offside rear wheel.

What I need to know Deidre is:
Can this be fixed by a local garage or does the car have to go back to the Farrari dealership ?

Please help
Yours
Worried of Kent


#83


#84

If you drop something when you’re young, you just pick it up.

When you’re older & you drop something, you stare at it for a bit and contemplate if you actually need it anymore.