How do you tell if the stage is level?
The viola player dribbles out of BOTH sides of their mouth.
9 Likes
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing a Viola into a skip without touching the sides.
7 Likes
Why do Viola players stand outside their houses for hours on end?
Because that can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.
8 Likes
A Viola player is out for a walk in the hills when he comes across a Shepherd tending to his flock. They get chatting and the Viola player says to the Shepard, “if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one”? The Shepherd feeling fairly confident agrees and the Viola player has a quick scan of the surrounding land and says “386”. The Shepherd is flabbergasted the what can only have been a guess is completely correct. The Viola player asks if they can pick the sheep and the Shepherd agrees. As the Viola player is walking away, the Shepherd says “if I can guess what you do, can I have my sheep back”? Feeling certain that the Shepherd couldn’t possibly guess what he does, he agrees. The Shepherd immediately responds “you’re a Viola player”. The Viola players jaw drops as he cannot believe a Shepherd could possibly know what he did, so he asks “how did you know”?
“Put my dog down and we can talk about it”
9 Likes
It is, but since viola players are the current target I just re-worded it.
The other drummer joke doesn’t work with violas.
How do you know if a drummer is at the door?
He knocks three times and comes in late.
Just got this handy tool.
One end is in Metric and the other end is in Imperial.
17 Likes
Is one side right handed and the other left handed?
1 Like
But but but… How do you know which end is which?
3 Likes
Well, that’s obvious. One end will fit metric nuts, and the other won’t.
8 Likes
As an ex viola player – what is the problem with them - they perhaps have one of the more challenging jobs to do in the orchestra.
3 Likes
What did the drummer get on his English exam.
Drool …
1 Like
What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend.
Homeless …
2 Likes
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train: his arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little twit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you,he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
9 Likes
Kind of ironic that ‘Paddy’ was from Belfast 
. Perhaps it makes your stereotype joke more acceptable
2 Likes
I left my banjo in my car last night, and forgot to lock the car. Sure enough, next morning there were three more banjos in there.
16 Likes
Oh, I can play this game all day:
How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
- The viola burns longer.
- The viola holds more beer.
- You can tune the violin.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it’s too late to do anything about it.
Why shouldn’t you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
Because you could fit several more in.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he’s carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he’s carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
Why can’t you hear the violas on modern recordings?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
What’s another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.
Why are violas called “bratschen” in German?
Because that’s the sound it makes when you sit on it.
Following on from the last one, and to prove that the general opinion of violas and viola players is not restricted to English-speaking countries, the following joke works really well in German, but less so in English:
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(Translation: What are the three positions of the viola? First position, emergency, and defeat.)
My name’s Ebor, I’m here all week, goodnight.
7 Likes
Surprisingly, Bach was a viola player too.
1 Like
They certainly dampen the trombones a bit.
1 Like
