A German Shepherd, Doberman Pinscher, and Australian Blue Cattle Dog have died. All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German Shepherd says, “I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master.”
“Good,” says God “then you shall sit by my right side.”
“Doberman, what do you believe in?” Asked God.
Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.”
“Aha.” God said, “you may sit by my left side.”
He looks at the Australian Cattle Dog and asks, “what do you believe?”
The Australian Blue Cattle Dog answers, “I believe you are sitting in my chair.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
My wife laughed out loud at that one!
Best
David
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON’T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON’T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, “YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I’LL
HANDLE THIS, I’M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.”
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, “OH, I’M SORRY.” AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
“I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN’T GOING TO TORONTO.”
sorry all my blondie friends
My Australian friend failed his Aboriginal music exam…
I asked him: “Did you redo it?”
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the inside?
K9P.
Ah, yes! Thanks Mike. And me an editor by trade…
Funnily enough I read that as outside!
'nuff said, explains it all. 
Attenborough left speechless watching big bear’s hygiene behaviour:
Her Maj was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury round the royal stables when one of her prize stallions broke wind with such gusto it couldn’t be ignored.
“Oh my,” said the queen. “How frightfully embarrassing. I do apologise.”
“Not to worry, your highness. It’s quite understandable,” said the bish. “As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse.”
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”
Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Her Maj was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury round the royal stables when one of her prize stallions broke wind with such gusto it couldn’t be ignored.
“Oh my,” said the queen. “How frightfully embarrassing. I do apologise.”
“Not to worry, your highness. It’s quite understandable,” said the bish. “As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse.”
"I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over?!