That made me properly laugh out loud - brilliant!
That’s why I nicked it.
A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes
across 3 little dogs sitting there she bends down to stroke
the first dog and says “How are you today little doggy”
To her utmost surprise the dog answers
“I am very happy and contented, and have been going in
and out of puddles all day”
The girl then turns to the second dog and says
" How are you today little doggy"
The dog answers "
I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and
out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the third dog and says
“Little doggy you don’t look as happy and contented as the
other two, why would this be”
At this the third dog answers “because my name is Puddles”
To be fair there was a downward slope before that but it did steepen around then.
Just phoned the wife to ask if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home, but she just muttered at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
A Scandinavian explorer returns home after an expedition of several summers to discover his name has been removed from the town records.
Next day his furious wife visits the town hall to complain.
“I’m sorry” says the mayor. “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
You really liked those, didn’t you?
Gone.
I think you’ll find that is a photo of Kyiv with the Ukrainian flag in the foreground
Gone.
UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL
The English 
🏴are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian 
threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The Russians have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish 
Armada.
The Scots 🏴 have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.”
They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army 🪖 for the last 300 years.
The French 
government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag 
factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. They have also started wearing their reversible coats 
.
Italy 
has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans 
have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians 
on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia 
meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel 
the barbie 
this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person