little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.".
14 Likes
A proper English gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for £250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
- it had never been occupied;
- that there was plenty of heat;
- that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for £250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
10 Likes
Apple have announced today the development of a chip that can be implanted into a womens breasts and play music. The new i-tit will cost £399 and is regared as a major breakthrough, as women are always saying that men just stare at their breasts and never listen to them
13 Likes
Volume and Tone controls as well
3 Likes
Seriously dude, grow up.
5 Likes
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“Please do” she says.
The man clears his throat and says “Plethora “.
The widow replies “Thanks, that means a lot”.
10 Likes
The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh sh**” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.
11 Likes
“I can’t believe I left my banjo in the uber”
“I think that’s for the best”
5 Likes
No politics here please. Please respect forum rules. Thanks.
1 Like
Trying to break up with my ex who was an optician was really hard - every time i told her i couldn’t see her anymore she moved a bit closer and said how about now?
11 Likes
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee
4 Likes
Sticker up had a bit of a messy job?
Speaking as a keen skittler I wonder if the head would roll straight enough to hit the front pin …
