Does it play the pips on the hour?
Absolutely, accurate to one second in a million years…guaranteed.
Unless it’s core goes off…
Core Blimey ! 
It has a certain a-peel.
An apple a day …
Went to see a private investigator this afternoon, gave him a piece of very thin paper and a soft pencil. He looked me up & down and said ‘what do you expect me to do with that?’
I said I want you to trace someone.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
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To get to the second hand shop of course.
I hope you wasn’t rubbing him up the wrong way
I wanted to post a picture of a bear about to step on a piece of Lego but thought it was too political so here is a different picture …
Fun fact - Tom Selleck was the first choice to play Indiana Jones in 1981, so that Chip & Dale cartoon just might be intentional!
(Old) Russian joke.
Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out. Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps:
‘Why DO you do that?’
‘I’m just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren’t on the front page.’
‘The one I’m looking for will be.’
Husband: “The kids have ruined their shoes”
Wife: “Again? [sighs] Just throw them out”
[Later]
Husband: “Stop crying, kids. Your mum says you have to leave”
Resistance is futile!
Just been speaking to Rick Astley. He tells me that
Lent is a really difficult time for him.
At least it’s not the Vogons.
Oh God, that terrible poetry …
Had an extremely good evening yesterday, attending the theatre to see the touring stage version of the famous radio comedy series “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue”, with Jack Dee & the rest of the radio regulars.
It was an extremely funny two hours & there were so many good jokes that I can’t recall too many of them. However, here is one that I do remember:-
A woman walks into a pet shop & falls in love with a gorgeous parrot that is priced at a very cheap £20.
“Why so cheap?” she asks
The shop owner replies, “It has spent its’ entire life in a brothel & has acquired some fruity language that most people don’t appreciate”.
“That doesn’t bother me, I’ll buy it” says the customer.
So, she takes it home & puts it in the sitting room. “Oh,” says the parrot, “you’ve had the place redecorated, very nice”.
Her three daughters come in to see the parrot. “I see you’ve also got some new, very pretty girls”, the parrot says.
The owners husband then enters the room.
The parrot says, “Hello Keith” …….