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Why do ants not get colds?
Because they have little anty bodies.
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How many dance instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
5678
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
Well, he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.’
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. ‘I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb’.
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it - circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
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Apologies for any political offence… it’s a variation on an old theme. please remove Richard if it goes too far. Alternatively insert any name you want. This does not reflect my own political preferences. It came from an old regiment site on FB …
Diane Abbot is touring in the First Minister’s chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly a cow rushes into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Diane says to the chauffeur:" You, get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, has a look and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Diane,”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Diane,
The chauffeur replies : “Well, when I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.”
" What on earth did you say?" asks Diane.
" I knocked on the door and when they answered, I explained, “I’m Diane Abbot’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.”
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I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, and half way through the show, the guy playing the Triangle completely disappeared
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
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No johnt, you put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers not hold it under water 
When you’re down
by the Sea
And an eel
rubs your knee
that’s…
a moray
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Lowering my expectations has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams
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I’m going to quote that at a site meeting tomorrow thanks for sharing. 
Drinking can cause memory loss.
Or even worse, memory loss
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“Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment”
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