A widow is mourning her husband who couldn’t be saved because no one knew his blood type. She is lamenting how his last words to her were were so touching and when asked to repeat them she answers: “Be positive”.
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I was amazed when I left my last job, my old boss knew my blood type. I heard him saying to someone as I left “Him? He’s O Plus”
No idea how he knew or why it mattered at that time tbh.
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A West Ham fan, a Spurs fan and an Arsenal fan were in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
For their punishment the Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: “It is my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.
The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Spurs fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: “Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back.”
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The West Ham fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “I have a soft spot for the Hammers as you play lovely football and won the World Cup and have the best fans. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the West Ham fan replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asked.
“Tie that Spurs fan to my back…”
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The guy that invented the “knock knock who’s there” jokes has just been awarded the no bell prize.
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If you were surprised by the suicide of Jeffrey Epstein, imagine how surprised he was.
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I thought that was punishable by death, seems a trap or they’re had a change of heart. 
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Tom Hanks doesn’t have signature he just signs everything with a thanks.
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Curtesy of the other place.
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, … then 155, … Suddenly he thought, “I’m too old for this nonsense !” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I’ve never heard before, why you were speeding… I’ll let you go.”
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "…
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Made I larf, big time… brilliant!
(The speeding one).
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Incredible how much that hat suits him.
That made me laugh out loud - can’t wait to tell my wife… 
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