I’ve had the shits for five weeks now, so I went to the doctor’s.
He told me not to worry, they go back to school this week.
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From FB Tim Vine Joke soc:
"I bumped into my old French teacher the other day, who asked me, what I’m up to now?
I told her, in French, I go to the cinema and play football with my brother. We then have an ice cream whilst looking at my hovercraft full of eels.
See, it did come in handy."
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You shouldn’t wear Russian Y fronts,
because Chernobyl fallout.
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How do you turn a pelican into a soul singer?
Put them in an oven on high until their bill withers 
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Thanks to a gardening page at the other place.
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How do you ask a man with no arms or legs what the time is?
Got the time on ya c*ck?
Somebody once asked me that in a pub. My reply, no it’s on my wrist.
Another cop/speeder story, supposedly true…
A sheriff’s department in America had received complaints about a motorcyclist speeding along a section of road. The cops set up a speedtrap and eventually caught him.
“We’ve been waiting here a long time for you son”
The response “Really officer, well I got here as fast as I could” made the cop laugh so much he let the guy off with a warning.
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Where does bad light go?
Prism.
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Almost a cricket joke 
Jeez Kev, you’re on fire this morning! 
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What’s the difference between Boris Johnson and Robert Mugabe?
One is a bumbling, overweight despot hell-bent on pursuing his personal vision irrespective of the disastrous consequences for his country.
And the other is dead.
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If that wasn’t true, it would be quite funny !
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.’
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it.’
The crowd’s bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’
‘Ok,’ says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves…
NEVER TO RETURN!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’
‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.
‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’
After a short pause, the rabbit said …
'Mixin-me-toasties
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Not a joke but a real story…True!
Our last Prime Minister, John Key when chewing the fat with Vladimir Putin one time asks…"So just how long does it really take a Russian ICBM to reach New Zealand?
Vlad…“20 Minutes, but I’ll call you”
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wanted to leave, so they all had to leave.
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