On our front door!
A new craze has started; farmers in N Yorkshire are rubbing ecstasy into their mouths. It’s known as E By Gum.
I asked Easy Jet where each item of my family’s luggage had got to on our last holiday. They told me that they can’t comment on individual cases.
Never mind Robert Plant and Roger Waters, where is Paul Rodgers.
I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said: “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize.”
“That’s fantastic!” I said.
“Feel confident?” the presenter asked. “It’s a maths question.”
“Well, I’ve got a first class degree in Mathematics from Oxford University,” I proudly replied, “and I’ve taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years.”
“OK then, to win our grand prize of two VIP tickets to a Tottenham Hotspur home game with corporate hospitality and the chance to meet the players after the match, what is 2+2 ?”
“Seven”, I replied.
I should be offended by the attack on the lilywhites, but, the way we are playing, I have to agree with the bloke. A night at the bingo would be much better.
Nothing makes me happier than seeking out antique French furniture with lace edgings.
It’s the frill of the chaise.
My mate was buying a used car.
When he picked out an old Vauxhall the dealer said: “Good choice, sir. It’s nothing fancy but it’s reliable. It’ll always get you from A to B.”
My mate shook his head. “That’s no good to me, then,” he said.
Puzzled, the dealer asked, “Why not?”
“I live in Kew.”
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
I phoned up Weight Watchers, and said, “it’s an emergency; can you send somebody round?”
They said, “yeah - we’ve got loads of them.”
Haha nice one Tony.
A guy has come to replace my boiler. He seems very nice and all, but he just doesn’t heat the water up as effectively.
I used to have a job making plastic Dracula figures but there was only two of us on the production line.
So I had to make every second Count.
A truck carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the M42. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers.
Henning Wehn, quoted in my newspaper today: “With stand-up in Britain what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.”
Very Two Ronnies, I can imagine Ronnie Barker reading that joke in 1976. Excellent!