On our front door!
A new craze has started; farmers in N Yorkshire are rubbing ecstasy into their mouths. It’s known as E By Gum.
I asked Easy Jet where each item of my family’s luggage had got to on our last holiday. They told me that they can’t comment on individual cases.
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Never mind Robert Plant and Roger Waters, where is Paul Rodgers.
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I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said: “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize.”
“That’s fantastic!” I said.
“Feel confident?” the presenter asked. “It’s a maths question.”
“Well, I’ve got a first class degree in Mathematics from Oxford University,” I proudly replied, “and I’ve taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years.”
“OK then, to win our grand prize of two VIP tickets to a Tottenham Hotspur home game with corporate hospitality and the chance to meet the players after the match, what is 2+2 ?”
“Seven”, I replied.
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I should be offended by the attack on the lilywhites, but, the way we are playing, I have to agree with the bloke. A night at the bingo would be much better.
Nothing makes me happier than seeking out antique French furniture with lace edgings.
It’s the frill of the chaise.
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My mate was buying a used car.
When he picked out an old Vauxhall the dealer said: “Good choice, sir. It’s nothing fancy but it’s reliable. It’ll always get you from A to B.”
My mate shook his head. “That’s no good to me, then,” he said.
Puzzled, the dealer asked, “Why not?”
“I live in Kew.”
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What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
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I phoned up Weight Watchers, and said, “it’s an emergency; can you send somebody round?”
They said, “yeah - we’ve got loads of them.”
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Haha nice one Tony.
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A guy has come to replace my boiler. He seems very nice and all, but he just doesn’t heat the water up as effectively.
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I used to have a job making plastic Dracula figures but there was only two of us on the production line.
So I had to make every second Count.
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A truck carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the M42. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers.
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Henning Wehn, quoted in my newspaper today: “With stand-up in Britain what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.”
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Very Two Ronnies, I can imagine Ronnie Barker reading that joke in 1976. Excellent!
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