Thanks @Fatcat - I wasn’t aware of that.
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.
“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then said to the mechanic…
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
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Me: If you arm wrestle a spider, do you have to win eight separate times, or just once?
Therapist: “I meant: concerns with your marriage”
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I recently spent £16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth, anyway I had the vet come and take a look at him.
He said, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days … all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbours cows!
He’s like a machine!
I don’t know what was in the pills the vet gave him … but they kind of taste like peppermint.
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My favourite stationary shop have been selling the same things for 80 years.
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Arranged on an occasional table?
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What I would like to know is what they are when they are not tables.
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A long running and entirely intentional joke!
I’ve been there - it’s fascinating.
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I asked my date to meet me at the gym. She never showed up. That’s how I knew we weren’t going to work out.
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Every year, Smitty and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Smitty would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year, Martha would reply, “I know, Smitty, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
This one year Smitty and Martha went to the fair and Smitty said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. ”
Martha replied, “Smitty, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.” Smitty and Martha agreed, and up they went.
The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Smitty, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Smitty replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, …but ten dollars is ten dollars!”
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The Latest ‘News’ From Rotherham…
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers…“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
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My wife says that if I don’t get off my computer and start doing the dishes then she will slam my head into the keyboard. I think she’s jokingqqatp;hiobgxdfjkl hqwre’pQ; OYUISX GDFM,vczxljnawer;lbc;iq
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Q: My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with.
A: A Cat. Cats love fish.
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Taking steps to overcome my hiking addiction. I’m not out of the woods yet.
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