What cheese does not belong to you?
Nacho cheese
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What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi
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Are you not entertained?
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I am!
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These jokes are driving me Jacob’s. 
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That’s excellent
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You know that you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
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A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he is married - but then it’s too late
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looks legit to me
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Working people frequently ask what retired people do to make their days interesting. Well, the other day, my wife and I went into town and entered a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out there was a parking warden writing out a ticket.
We went up to him and said “Come on man; how about giving a senior citizen a break?”
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I then called him a few choice names. He glared at me and started to write out another ticket for having worn tyres, so my wife called him a $#% $%#@&$$. He finished writing the ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first one. Then he started to write a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote out. Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town on the bus!
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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello.”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: ME!!
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An earthquake measuring 8.5 0n the ricter scale devastated Manchester today causing £3.25p worth of damage. Eye witness Chantelle 15, mother of 3, said it was proper well scary lad. A 16 old lad knocked over his can of stella lager and his 14 old girlfriend’s hand was shaking that bad she couldn’t roll her joint!
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Biandry has been defined as a state of having too many husbands.
Marriage has been defined the same way.
D’oh!
Corrected misandry to biandry!
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