Big prize for who comes first.
Too far away not very handy. 
Come on you’re pulling my ***
When I have a headache I take two Aspirin and keep away from children, just as it says on the bottle.
As I get older I find it harder to remember things. Also I find it harder to remember things.
If you want some rain we should do a house swap. Here in Cumbria we have far too much!!
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you.”
“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour.”
“Show me,” said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.”
“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man, “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”
“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.
The man replied, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?”
If you don’t remember her name in the morning, then take her to Starbucks
Man, I could have used that advice a few times, a long while back. 
My wife is so paranoid that she can’t have an orgasm unless the door is locked. I’m like Come on! Let me in!
Oh don’t worry, he’s just my pet tarantula.
