My Gran died recently in a rail accident and I felt sh**e as it was me that put up her curtains.
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed.
‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.
‘Just some guy asking for a push,’ he answers.
‘Did you help him?’ she asks.
‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’
‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember, about three months ago, when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’
‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.
‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.
‘Yes, please!’ the man yells from the dark.
‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.
‘Over here on the swing,’ comes the drunken reply.
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Trailer for a Milton Jones programme on BBC R4:
‘My name’s Milton Jones, I’m a working comedian. Don’t talk to me about unemployment, I come from a fishing village in Derbyshire.’
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Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.”
The doctor asked, “Where?”
Kevin said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em?”
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Bacon is about 73% fat and can be quite salty.
So that’s two of us then.
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A man went into a bar and stood next to a fella with a small Jack Russell. The radio was announcing the football results. When the commentator announced the score - Man u 1, Burnley Nil, the dog started doing somersaults. “Does your dog do that every time Man u win a game?” he asked. “I don’t know” replied the fella, "I’ve only had him two years.
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