In your opinion.
What’s big, brown and behind the wall ?
Humptys Dump.
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I used some underwear to repair a tear in the wing of my hang-glider.
Now I’m flying by the seat of my pants.
<>
My ambition is to open a flying maths school, although it’s probably just pi in the sky.
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POLICE OFFICERS WANTED for public enforcement duties.
Interviews tomorrow - Come early and beat the crowd.
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Kettle - Pot Pot - Kettle
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I’ve applied for a job cleaning mirrors,
it’s something i can see myself doing.
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Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find a Tesco supermarket had been built next door to his Hobbit house.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
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An American woman has alleged that Prince Andrew forced her to have sex with him while she was still a minor.
Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has offered the woman a goodwill gift of a trip to Paris complete with chauffeur-driven Mercedes…
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I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves 
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The UK’s first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a ‘near miss’ in Bristol earlier today.
Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend
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Eight times this month, my blind uncle has fallen out of the tree in his garden.
Three or four times, he’s fallen off the neighbours’ extension and twice he’s got stuck under a car.
Today though he got stuck in a gap in the fence, and the stress of it finally killed him.
This has caused me a major headache, happening so soon after Christmas:
Not only do I have to arrange the funeral and everything,
but i’ve also got to find a new home for his guide cat.
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Ouch!
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My doctor just told me i’m colour blind, and it’s hit me like a bolt out of the green.
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Well done in keeping this jokes thread alive before it too spirals into a tangle of burning cables😳
CK
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“Doctor doctor! You’ve got to help me!
I’ve come out in spots like cherries on a cake.”
“I think you have an analogy.”
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Looks like some of you have been busy overnight. I’ve removed the worst of it.
May I remind members that this thread is the “Best Jokes” thread. I can’t be judge for all for what is or isn’t a “best” joke, but if as I’ve posted before, if a joke gets flagged as inappropriate or offensive then it will usually be removed. If that happens to one of your jokes, accept it, and move on. Thank you.
11 Likes
Bloke goes to the doctor in a real state.
He’s got egg down his front, cauliflower-cheese on his head, bacon on one shoulder and trifle on the other.
“Doc! You’ve got to help me! I don’t know know what’s wrong or what to do!”
“Well, you should try eating more sensibly for a start.”
1 Like
Well, the Christmas present for the other half has gone down well.
Every time she opens the new fridge her little face lights up.
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Doctor - I can’t stop shouting ‘broccoli!’ and ‘cauliflower!’ I think I may have Floret’s Syndrome
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Q. How many French Fonctionnaires (civil servants) does it take to change a light-bulb?
A. Change!! Who wants change?!?
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