I think my own favourite (and it’s not even the punchline!)
‘I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs, but she’s good with the kids.’
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In fact, if I ever do meet you @NigelB , I’ll be shocked (and slightly perturbed) if you don’t have that face. 
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Not forgetting the hat!
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Actually, I am often mistaken for George Cloony.
Honest, guv.
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We’ll that must be helpful down the pub. Apparently, I’m a Brad Pitt doppelganger … at least that’s what me mum tells me …
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Wife says, “Honey I’ve been very patient with your spending, but we’ve been married for two years and I think it’s time you stopped buying hifi.”
Husband replies, “Weird, you’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.
” Wife :”I didn’t know you’d been married before!”
Husband, “I haven’t. “
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Who led the pedant’s revolt?
…
Which tiler?
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I do recall inadvertently confirming in a posting here that @Simon-in-Suffolk does indeed look exactly like his avatar, after meeting him in the Demo room at the factory a few years ago…
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Chuckle - I do still have a full head of hair - although a spot is starting to thin
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I was at the public swimming pools when I suddenly needed the loo.
So I went towards the deep end to have a wee.
I was worried as it was really yellow.
It wasn’t until the life guard blew his whistle which startled me that I fell in the pool…
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How do you tell the sex of an ant? Put it in water…
If it sinks, it’s girl ant.
It it floats it’s…
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Pedants’
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Brilliant !
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have duck food here?” The bartender says no and the duck leaves. The next day, the same thing happens. The duck wanders in and asks, “Do you have any duck food?” Once again, the nonplussed bartender says no and the duck leaves. On the third day, the duck enters the bar and the bartender asks, “What do you want this time?” The duck asks once more, “Do you have any duck food?” “No!” yells the bartender. “We don’t have any duck food. If you come back and ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor!” The duck leaves and comes back the next day and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender says, “No.” The duck then asks, “Do you have any duck food?”
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