Statistics show that the majority of divorcing couples do it for religious reasons. The wife thinks she is God and the husband disagrees…
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Einstein’s girlfriend: “I’d like two things from you, Bertie, space and time”
Einstein: “What’s the second one?”
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I took my cat to the vet’s today to be put down.Talk about expensive, I had to pay for nine injections.
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Sorry, not funny. In fact quite offensive; you have obviously never been a cat owner.
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Most jokes will offend somebody.
Especially if you’re a mother-in-law.
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… or a snowflake!
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I find that term more offensive than the original joke …
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What? “Mother-in-Law”? 
Nope … that one has been beaten to death over the years … I was referring to “snowflake”. Even though, in hindsight, “offensive” was the wrong word … “lame” would be better …
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Reminds me a quote by Ricky Gervais - “You found it offensive? I found it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you.”
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That’s why I changed my mind over "offensive’ … I’m deliriously happy.
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What about the pirate who took his fat, overweight parrot to the vets to be put down. That was a weight off his shoulder.
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Who mentioned a snowflake?
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I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea, and haemorrhoids last week.
First time I’ve ever won a game of Scrabble.
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Honda are closing their Swindon factory. Brexit? No, they’re leaving on their own Accord.
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Get in, Tony.
Belter!
I am using that.
My boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 now but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.
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I HIT my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt.
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