What’s the punishment for bigamy ?
Two mothers-in-law.
And the Spring of deception will on March 29th
when we are conned with leaving the EU with no Brexit dividend : (
I used to get strange looks for trying to use my phone on the bus, but then again, it was 1982.
This happened to me today😀
Went to fill car up with petrol and wanted to do my tyres while there. It’s been a while since I went to this garage so I said to the lady at the till:
“How much for the air machine?”
“A pound”
“A pound!!! Blimey that’s gone up a lot”
And she just deadpanned…
“Inflation.”
“Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house”.
When I first met my wife she said she wanted our first sexual experience together to be like a fairytale…So I invited seven midgets to join in.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive…
Lucky my sister told me about it really.
I don’t like to make innuendos, but I’ll occasionally slip one in.
A married couple who work as professional clowns have decided to split. The divorce will be amicable, though there’s expected to be a lengthy custardy battle.
People always ask me where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but never believe me when I tell them it was done in Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
There’s nothing worse than posting a brilliant joke on the Naim forum, only for auto-correct to make you look a total idiom.
This was labelled " A true love story" -
An 89 y/o woman was caught stealing a can of peaches from the market. When she went to court , the judge asked why she had taken them. She replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied “six” at which point the judge sentenced her to six days in jail - one for each peach. At this point , her husband spoke up and said his wife had also stolen a can of peas.
My wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
“Whatever means necessary,” she replied.
“No it doesn’t,” I said.