steve
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Just stole a turkey from ASDA. The Security man shouted “Hey what are you doing with that?”. I shouted back Potatoes, Peas, carrots and Gravy
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A few years ago I went to see Stiff Little Fingers, before they came on I was chattIng to an old punk (old as in my age) about how half the audience’s parents wouldn’t have been old enough to see them in their early days. As soon as SLF came on stage he ripped off his t-shirt, chucked it to his partner and headed for the mosh pit. I next saw him about half an hour later, his partner was supporting him as he limped back through the theatre.
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Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
‘Hello mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.’
‘Wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.’
The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, but I’m really sorry…’
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!’ screams his mum, ‘it’s your f”*”#”g fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!’
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Just booked a table for Valentine’s night.
It’ll be the first time my better half has played snooker.
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The joke was originally Chelsea/London which would have been more accurate, apart from Chelsea winning of course which would be stretching credulity too far.
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Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but we know exactly where we are!”
The officer looks at him confused and says “you were going 108 miles per hour!”
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, “Great! Now we’re lost!”
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
“A cat,” Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells “Hey! This cat is dead.”
Schrödinger angrily replies, “Well he is now!”
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So that’s what she’s doing in Canada.
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Huh !
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